Post Thirty-Five: Whole And Complete

Elli

Shit. Fuck. Arse and tits!

Of course. Of fucking course. Thank you, Paul. You giant piece of human garbage. You crusher of souls. You fucking twat!

Things couldn't be simple, could they? No way! Not when it comes to sex or love. Not when it comes to relationships. It has to be complicated. Life is always so fucking complicated. Can't catch a break for two fucking seconds.

Now I'm sitting here, and Morgan fucking Clery is looking at me with that face. Asking me the most difficult question I could ever answer, and depending on how I do, will set up whatever is to happen next. Whatever I say will either make or break us, if you will. Who said I wanted that fucking responsibility?

How am I supposed to answer that? It's complicated?

Too right it's fucking complicated!

Did I ever see us being anything? No, of course not. You were some sexy actor I only dreamed of ever meeting. I was a fan girl. I really didn't ever expect to fall into your arms in the middle of some crazy Toronto festival.

Oh, you mean more specifically, after we met? No. I didn't. I didn't ever imagine you would want to spend so much time with me. I didn't imagine that you would invite me to your hotel room. That we would have the best fucking sex of my life, and then afterward you would want me to stay with you. I never in a million years thought that would happen. I never thought I'd be good enough. I still can't fathom how someone like you can like someone like me.

But do you mean generally? Not specifically you. Ah, well, then we get down to it, don't we? No. I didn't want a relationship. I am so busy, I have so much catching up to do on life. I need to be my own person. I wanted to be my own person. For once I was doing things myself, and it was going well. I was getting to be the person I want to be, a person that I like. I didn't want someone else to come in and possibly jeopardize that.

Then you happened. You had to, didn't you? Just come in and complicate everything I was working so hard to achieve. Take me away from my goals. Wrap me up in another relationship where I lose myself. Where I give everything for another person. When I become a person who worries about what their partner is doing, what makes them happy and how I can facilitate their needs. To the point where I forget my own. No...not forget. They just won't matter anymore.

What do I really want? What does everything deep down inside me scream to me? What does my heart tell me, or the chemicals releasing from my brain tell me that my heart wants?

You.

Whole and complete. I want you. I want to say fuck it to everything my morality tells me is right. I just want to be with you. I want to tell you I love you and to be with me. I want to make it work, whatever way we can. I would give up everything if we could just be together.

And that's why I can't.

“No, I didn't,” I lied.

His face fell, and a part of my heart shattered.

#partone #postthirtyfive #wholeandcomplete #polyamorous #romance #drama #comedy #elli